Report card

Every relationship passes through a test, one or the other day.
And contrary to my over-confident assumptions,
I have failed in each one of them till date.
Including Anatomy.

Now I only hope there is re-test
And I pass that.

Bye bye Carotids

Most of us reflect on our bygone days and recollect fond memories of a glorious past.
Our present is tepid and uneventful. Due to the current circumstances we live in. Ofcourse.
And most of us dream about what a glorious future we will have.

But what if our past is not really as glorious as we think it to be?
What if it truly ever was just a collection of random morbid days with just a ripple here, a ripple there, that too initiated by pebbles of other lands?

What if our future is not as glorious as we assume it to be?
What if all we achieve is a mediocre lifestyle with a closet full of unachieved dreams?

So if our present isn't dazzlingly spectacular,  aren't we basically being self-castrated eunuchs floating on a dull landscape of time?

The nurse could have punctured our carotids right at birth and it wouldn't make a penny's difference to this world.
We are the unacceptable lot.
We would actually be saving Mother Earth some resources.

Who among us agrees that some of us should take the higher road momentarily and puncture our own carotids?

I'm ashamed to be an Indian

I'm ashamed to be an Indian.

I'm even more ashamed to be a Hindu.

And I feel like I'm in a circus when I see a whole lot of Sthanik Brahmins gathered.

I'm ashamed to be an Indian all year through.

I don't need movies like Kai Po Che to remind me so.

But they do.

Movies like these remind me of the GLARING FACT that I'm born in a country called India where one's religion is one's identity and it is stamped on your forehead even before you are born !

I am in a country where a vast majority of people want to willingly vote for a bastard called Narendra Modi to be the next Prime Minister.

Some of these people who want to vote for him are my friends !@#$%^&*@@#$%

My only thought is that - 

He is the modern day Hitler.

Want to vote for him?

Sure!

Want to make him the next Prime Minister?

Sure!

Want to encourage genocide?

Sure!

I'll just remember to wish my non-Hindu (damn, I'm a caste-ist too now?) friends goodbye before he packs them off to their concentration camps.

The true capital of India is Mangalore

The last time I asked somebody to sing for me and they did not oblige was in New Delhi.
Since then I hate the capital of India.
Delhi murdabaad !
Bombay zindabaad !

More on Delhi:
Note: Some parts of this story are confidential. So I wish you zip your lips too after reading this.

I live in Mangalore.
When I realized I was going to Delhi for a week everybody was ecstatic.

1. Being a die-hard foodie,
The most consistent hope, reassurance and image of Delhi that I was given by my friends in the South was that - 'Delhi is the land of great food. There is a dhaaba on every corner. They serve amazing paranthas, the thickness of our 7 chapatis, and lassi thick as ever. At freakishly low prizes'.

Then I went to Delhi.
I got to eat one parantha, that too of some fancy flavour in a four star restaurant with a prize tag which robbed me of quarter of my monthly stipend (or whoever foot the bill).
And every corner I turned in Delhi, there was a food stall selling MOMOS.
Chinese khaana hota toh mein Nepal nahi jaati ??!!

2. Another consistent advice I got prior to leaving was - if a car starts approaching you, run in a zigzag pattern in the opposite direction. You are their target for a kidnap + rape. So Run Baby, Run!

Then I went to Delhi.
And I am a lazy person. (There! I said it. Now it's out in the open.)
I had to walk a long distance many times with my luggage to go from my lodging to the main road or the nearest Metro station.
And I am a lazy person (again, what's with the eye rolling?)
So I used to do what I have never done before.
Put out my hand and halt random people's car.
And hitch a ride with unknown people of Delhi.
I did not get kidnaped / raped.
But I still don't feel like - Yuss, I survived.

Why do I hate that place so much? Why?

It all starts with the beginning of the story.

People in Delhi did not sing. They did not sing for me as soon as I arrived.
Hurt kiya yaar mereku.
After that everything else was a downward spiral from there.

Barren

The world is full of childless women doing or learning something different or new to spend their time and days.

Those with children are finding ways to do or learn something different to get away from their real days.

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Be With Someone

1. When you are having a hot bath and suddenly realise you have left your face wash outside, you don't need to go out all dripping and drenched. Just holler, "Jejuuuuuu, face wash". Ka-ching! *Face wash appears*
2. When its winter and you are shivering, you can borrow their sweater and yet act smug.
3. When you PMS and get all hormonal, you have somebody to yell at (other than yourself).
4. When they play "Jumma chumma de de" at a party, you have somebody to point at (other than your mother).
5. Group pics and all are nice. But couple pics ki baat hi kuch aur hain ;)
6. ahem ahem… cough cough..*clears throat* ummmm… u know...
7. Pencil, chair, sun, tata docomo top-ups, low battery, God, towel, nail colour, underwear, side of the bed, Skype, johnson & johnson ear buds, external hard disk, Sweet pea body splash, auto, train, bus, flights and Memories, Memories and More Memories ! *breathless*
8. You can cry to sleep. You can smile to sleep. You can laugh to sleep. Someone else puts you to sleep.
9. So one day you can tell Papa, like Shah rukh did in K3G to Amitabh - "Socha kahan Papa, bas ho gaya".
10. Nonsense! Life is nonsense. Love is nonsense. World is nonsense. Just.

My Era

I have a Woman's Era in front of me right now. By mistake.
Personally, I feel Woman's Era is for the menopausal and a silly wanna be of Cosmopolitan.
(if you are booing at me right now then 'I will spit on your grave'. No, I won't. Its an internal joke. You won't get it. Since you don't read Cosmo!!!!!)

The outer cover of this particular Woman's Era has the weirdest set of headlines on it.
I have read the whole issue page to page. (Yuss, its been a long Sunday. Don't get judgemental Missy!)
And I believe I could have written a better issue (for myself) than XYZ (for the love of God I can't find the Chief Editor's name in the book *suspicious*)

Where is the Paradise on Earth?
In Cosmopolitan.
Ha ha. Got ya! Just joking.
Paradise is in 107/1 Sundar Nivas.
Paradise is in the arms of someone. Someone worthy. Someone strong (for you). Mother, lover, friend, niece.
Paradise is in travelling. Luxuriously. Or penniless. Doesn't matter. While travelling, either ways, paradise is in the eyes, the ears, the tongue, the touch, the whiffs and in the mind.

Be sure of the bra over your boobs
Really, I am. I am absolutely sure I wear a bra over my boobs. I make sure I hook in all the hooks too.
But I think people on the road have their doubts. Especially people on the Delhi roads and metro.
*Kachinggggg*
Mumbai - 1. Delhi - 0.

Being sexy is just an attitude
Why be sexy? Be a lady.
Be kind (not a doormat). Be honest (as much as possible). Be graceful (i don't mean only dance here). Be healthy (Keep those Green Lays down). Be clothed (according to the weather & place). Be cheerful, bright, attentive.
Why be sexy dear? Be a lady.
Rakhi Sawants come and go. Lady Diana stays forever.

It is as old as the pyramids
To be honest, I have forgotten what this article was about. But seeing that this is Woman's Era I'm sure they must be talking about Kamasutra.
*Kachingggggg*
Cosmo - 3. Woman's Era - 0.

What spices up sex?
Next headline please.

Find the outway for tension?
By the way, is 'outway' a real word? Even MS Word is putting a red curvy line under it.
Anyways. Sing. Dance. Listen to music that YOU like. Read. Play games (not the cruel kinds). Travel. Absorb what good people are saying to the world. Learn archery, rifle shooting, horse back riding, sword fighting.
Go find your own 'outway'.

The key ingredient of marriage
Will update this post 5 years later. *Fingers crossed*

No more fears about diabetes
Who said so? I go to the loo more times than I breathe. I frequently crave for food like I'm 9 months pregnant. I look at water as if I'm just back from the Sahara desert. Polydipsia, polyphagia, polyuria - check, check, check.
It's in the family. I'm fat. I melt when I'm offered sweets. An ultrasound and a blood sugar level report is long pending. And Woman's Era tells me to not fear about diabetes?
Woman's Era - 0. Netra - 0. Diabetes - 1.

PS: Did you notice 'Diabetes - 1' sounds like 'Diabetes - Won'?